by Neelam Nanwani | Jan 18, 2022 | Soul Words
Over the last several months, I have poured out a lot of my anger, angst and vulnerability on my social media pages / facebook timeline.
From some, it has invited advice/suggestions as if pouring it out had to be fixed.
From my family it has invited shame and ostrecisation.
And yet for a few, it has given them an opportunity to understand how important it is for us to feel our pain, express it, and how rawness and vulnerability is not weakness but an important way of being.
For those who needed to learn, even my raw uninhibited primal sharing of my grief and sorrow, anger and pain has become an important teacher in their field.
For some, my way of being is a poison, for some, my way of being is medicine.
And I JUST AM.
And in just BEING, I am learning to simply be a witness to both the scenarios unfolding in my space before my eyes.
More often than not, a lot of shame and judgement has followed me as I have flowed shamelessly with my emotional outbursts. Am I being a victim, am I being too clingy, am I getting co-dependant, am I seeking attention, I have questioned myself several times. I have felt the shame when someone has distanced themselves and it has made me unsure of myself.
At the same time, I have allowed myself to deepen into a space of honest self enquiry. I have descended into my pain and allowed myself to trace the roots of what I have been feeling.
I have traced it back to the lineage wounds when women might have been blamed or shamed for men going away or not being present. How many times do women get blamed for a relationship gone sour !!
“He went away because you were a bitch”, “He divorced you because you did this or that”, “He left because it was your fault:.
How many times do we hear this in our society? If the relationship goes sour or a man leaves, the society is so quick to point fingers at a woman.
During the past several months after Paul has passed, I have felt this shame and I have found myself in the question box, “Did I do something wrong? Was I getting too attached or clingy? Was my communication inappropriate?”
I felt this pain of the women in my lineage (both paternal side and maternal side) and I asked the spirit of the fire to destroy and transform this shame, for, it doesn’t belong to me.
As I continued feeling the ripples of this shame, validation etc, and the emotional field continued to be volatile, I suddenly got into a conversation with few of the students (not mentioning names).
Yesterday, not once but thrice, it was validated in my field, how me wearing my triggers/emotions on my sleeve (aka sitting with my pain/anger, expressing n feeling it freely, writing about it, vocalizing it) has helped them realise and understand the importance of being real, the validation that they needed to express and feel fiercely and the safe space where they could be themselves and the ability to see how expressing our emotions, doesn’t make us less courageous but more courageous.
Vulnerability is strength and not a weakness.
Everything that churns in my space daily, and the ability to feel it so intensely and acutely does overwhelm me at times.
I cannot believe the finer layers of the same work that I thought I have completed and processed are arising in my field again.
I am learning to be an innocent wise child, while sending love to the wounded inner child and I am reminded of the words of Matt Kahn,
WHATEVER ARISES, LOVE THAT.
With allowing that, and learning to love that arises, I am being ME and owning it, daily, one step at a time.
by Neelam Nanwani | Dec 28, 2021 | Soul Words
When we embark on a spiritual quest, we have to begin to realise as the quest deepens, that the whole journey is not about the process of ‘reaching’ somewhere or becoming something.
We get to realise that ‘we are already that’ which we are seeking to become or be.
The journey rather and the whole aspect of it is only and everything about “cleaning and clearing” what you are not and about removing the masks that we have worn. The whole journey is all about taking steps to drop those masks one by one.
If I am not this belief, not this mask, not this imprint, then who am I?
The journey is not about finding that Self but simply being aware and willing to drop those layers, barriers, impressions (acquired through ancestors, culture, society, parents, womb, our own experiences & choices) which we have unconsciously chosen to wear and made our own.
There comes a time in our spiritual quest where these layers are either stripped off willingly by us or we are literally ripped apart.
This begins the great death and dying process. Death of old identity, death of the ego self dressed and so mighty comfortable in these layers.
This can be a huge threat to the ego self because for the longest time it has not known who it is beyond these stories, labels and masks.
There is an unconscious attachment to these stories and memories. The cognitive mind has the best intentions to move beyond these. However the unconscious, unknowingly attaches to the pain bodies or these layers and/or masks.
The journey, therefore, is not the learning of esoteric gifts, albeit, only and only of stripping of these layers and being patient with yourself as you either bare your self or are torn apart.
When the resistance to be bare is too huge, this is where Spirit or soul self intervenes bringing forth contrast, challenges (illness, finances, death of loved ones, relationship issues, deterioration or crumbling down of the tower of one’s life held ever so dearly) and one might go through what is popularly known as stress, anxiety, depression or dark night of the soul.
It is a process which can bring grace through our full body presence and surrender. Our connection to our soul (the divine within and without) becomes imperative.
Anxiety, overwhelm, depression, suicidal tendency, inability to feel emotional stuff, running away from feeling grief, health issues could all represent a disconnect between the soul self and the mind.
The bridging point, therefore is to return to the heart. To the space of love and acceptance. Only that could create a deeper allowance and perhaps non resistance.
We are not, however, taught to drop control and come to a space of surrender. Hence what is a huge process of initiation and unbecoming feels to our ego mind as a suffering.
The gap between the soul and the mind widens as we engage in being a victim, why me, what wrong have I done kind of situations there by magnifying the depletion of the self worth and the unbecoming.
The true healing, as stated above, in a manner that we unmask and reclaim who we really are, the “Self” that is not these stories or masks, takes time, some times years, at times an entire life time and most of the times, lifetimes and lifetimes.
If you are in a space of suffering or rather great UNBECOMING, I encourage you to not lose heart.
For, what might feel as everything coming crushing down, may actually be a process of homecoming.
A coming home to the Self.
Dec 27, 9.10 AM
by Neelam Nanwani | Dec 22, 2021 | Soul Words
We all have such a deep need within each one of us to be recognised for who we are.
It gives a signal to our wounded psyches that we matter and that we deserve to exist.
When we are recognized for our being, we feel validated. We feel we matter. We feel we are not insignificant in this vast universe and we try to make a sense of why do we need to continue to live.
This sense of living gives us a meaning, a purpose to our existence. This inspires us to keep going and fuels our healthy ego.
Unfortunately this also keeps us in the loop of continuing to seek validation from others and continue to be in a space of proving our point of view.
The moment this doesn’t happen, our ego self feels threatened and is pained. The result is numbing, disassociation, anxiety, anger, frustration or any other way in which the child self wants to express itself or protect itself from this hurt or pain of not feeling significant or worthy or being unseen.
Yes, it is one of the 6 basic human needs to be seen and recognized.
This need to be seen and recognized keeps us on our toes and doesn’t let our seeking and pursuits end.
We keep seeking from one road to another, one shop to another, one job to another, one phone to another, one home, car, pieces of clothing to another.
The pendulum swings to the other end when we don’t realise that in the process of seeking and why we are seeking it, we forgot WHAT is it that we began to seek in the first place.
At the end of the day, we all wish to feel appreciated, valued and acknowledged for who we are and what we are here to be and do.
But somewhere in this process of feeling significant, we also invite the feeling of being insignificant.
Yes, there are many detours on this earth walk called life.
Before we realise it, we who in actuality desired to be seen, appreciated and validated, also somehow begin to hide and play small. (Various reasons, for this, for sure).
The dichotomy between feeling validated and being seen AND playing small and hiding keeps us ENTANGLED and looped in.
This sometimes projects as over giving (need to be needed and feel valued and important), anger for feeling helpless or violated (lack of boundaries) or totally being self centered (over compensation).
We are wounded adults in some way or the other and our inner child is in constant need for this reassurance that he/she matters and is valuable.
The constructs of society do not teach us that we do not have to EARN this significance. That we matter and are an important strand in the web of life no matter what.
This lack of embodied awareness also keeps us away from our true BEing and constantly keeps us encaged in our doing.
This whole process creates undesirable trauma and imprints and then we keep busy in another pursuit to feel significant by getting obsessed about it through our “healing process*.
What we do not realize is that we are trying to fill something with something whereas the process of Real-I-zation and the true awakening is that we already ARE enough.
And that no external substances like career, job, money, home or healing practice is going to fill that emptiness of the worthiness pot.
And through my own pitfalls while being on this journey of mending the brokenness within, TRYING to fill it up with this or that, I am beginning to realise that nothing I DO can fill this pot.
Not because I am trying to fill the worthiness with something external..
BUT
Because the pot that I thought was empty IS actually already full. However, no one has ever told me so nor have we been taught to Access That which already IS & Exists.
Our living in this earthly walk comes always with conditions attached as emerged through the human construct.
We do not know or perhaps are never categorically taught to
Access That Which Already IS.
We are only fed with conditional worthiness.
I am worthy to be seen only if this happens or I am worthy to be recognised only if I do this or that and so on.
And in my opinion, to be able to access what already IS there, IS the true purpose of healing and our BEing.
Nothing less. Nothing more.
To access I AM is the true journey.
Is there a destination ? Does it matter as long as “I AM” ??
by Neelam Nanwani | Dec 10, 2021 | Soul Words
The more we ‘push hard’ to heal something, the more we defy the core of healing, that we are actually already whole.
This entire push to correct, fix, heal actually takes us away from the simplicity and wholeness which the healing process should induce and bring forth.
If you are with a healer, no matter how great he/she is, if he/she cannot remind you of your own wholeness and simplicity of your healing process, but rather induces fear or rather inculcates complexity, then you should know you are being manipulated to feeling ‘less than’ the whole and complete that you already are.
Healing can NEVER happen from a space of feeling ‘less than’ from within because then we are chasing the same dog who keeps barking at us and yet eludes us.
Neither do we enjoy the companionship or unconditional love of that dog nor does it ever become our ally. It instead remains our tormentor in chief.
And the worst part is, modality after modality, healing after healing, this torment does not cease.
It only perpetuates.
That is why our healing process never seems to end because like a product driven culture we too are in a rush always to fix it, heal it so that we do not feel the pain, uncertainty, anguish and fear of the chaos.
This is where we get exploited into believing that healing requires a LOT from us.
What I am learning and re-learning is that healing is actually very simple. We all need to remember that the universe is not an evil entity chasing us BUT it is a benevolent force partnering with us.
However, sometimes what seems to be working against us, is actually working towards and for us.
How only if we had our wise ones, ancient ones, elders, true loving guides in the human realm they would so profoundly re-iterate this wisdom to us.
This is where our connection to the Divine/creator/to our own SELF/Great Spirit is wholesomely encouraged to be developed.
After Paul left, my sense of self has been extremely diminished. And the repetitive and the only message I could trust coming from Paul was, “Develop your connection” to Spirit.
This statement in its entirety is only opening up its various petals, now, as I reflect upon my illness (mental, emotional, spiritual and physical).
The healing journey though feels endless and painful, is and can actually be simple.
All we need to learn is to just BE with our self, understand the SELF and reclaim the SELF.
Rest everything automatically falls into its place. Even the pieces of the puzzle which so often befuddle us always.
by dynamite | Apr 21, 2020 | Soul Words
Our entire society has forgotten the importance of honoring our emotions.
“Be strong,” don’t cry, oh don’t be angry, how can you be jealous, be happy (don’t be sad), blah blah blah. All these superficial statements that we are fed since we are a child.
“Be strong” -we create a wall. We get into proving how superior and right we are every time. We fail to see other people’s point of view. We forget how to be raw and vulnerable. We forget how to be genuine and authentic. We wear the ‘mask’ of “being strong” all the time, whereas deep down we are very, very weak and our soul is crying. But how can we show that to the world?
The mind has been fed “I need to be strong” in order to survive. Our masks make us feel adequate, albeit quite artificially so. Don’t cry -We learn how to suppress our grief and sorrow. Crying is weak. Crying is shamed. Crying makes us look not strong. We have been taught to be strong, but we can’t even cry. Because crying brings us face to face with our grief and pain. And being face to face with our pain takes a tonne of courage and strength. But we are already wearing the mask of being strong. Yes, its a mask. Don’t be angry -How many times have we been shamed for being angry or aggressive. Particularly in this new age, illusionary rules which talk of love and light.
So what do we do?
We suppress all the darkness. We suppress all our shadows.
(a) Because I have to live up to the mask
(b) because society has taught me anger is bad.
But I have forgotten to acknowledge, it is the same anger which has brought revolution in many parts of the world. It has helped people fight great injustices to them and to their near and dear ones.
When our mother is angry with us, she is driving us for our greater good. When the universe is angry, it makes us want to pause and reflect upon our journey.
Anger helps us draw boundaries. Anger has many gifts.
But I have been taught and fed that anger is not good. Love is the only way. But there is anger because I love too much. There is anger because I have not felt honored in some way. It is a gift. It is a teacher.
But what do we do?
Because it is bad, we stuff it inside rather than learning how to harness it, how to connect to it, and how to channel it. So it comes out as violence. It comes out as a schoolchild shooting a gun at a co-student.
It comes out as a husband hitting his wife because she forgot to pack his bags or turn on the heater.
Yes, This is where we are as a collective. With too much wounding and too much pain. That we are even afraid to look at it in the eye and feel it.
Yes, this is where the New Age science or spirituality has gone wrong.
In indigenous societies, there was immense importance given to how a person feels. The person could go through grief and pain without feeling threatened by it. Without feeling overwhelmed by it.
What would it take for us to look at this wounding and not be overwhelmed or threatened by it? What would it take for us to teach our own self and our children how important emotions are and how to harness their energy and gifts so that they do not become something to be ashamed of but rather treat as energy which can create momentum and blessings in our life.
