Codependency

by | Jan 4, 2021 | Soul Words

Once again I have descended into deep contemplative mood. Once again, quietude has BECOME me. No, it is not a shelter I take to avoid processing my pain.

It is an ally perhaps, moving me into deeper aspects of my Self.


Co-dependant tendencies, childhood pain, feeling unloved in one’s childhood and how that plays in our life and how that shapes our adulthood is once again prime in my ribs.


I have been very quick to identify co-dependant tendencies in people / students/ mothers/ friends/ partners/siblings/ children/ teachers.


And all along, perhaps, I myself ignored this aspect within me. All along I told myself, ‘Ah, how can I be co dependant? I have healed so much of my childhood adulthood pain? And yet, I was the first one to identify it / see it in others.


Yesterday, this aspect shook me. I am being forced to come to terms with it within my own psyche. It was at my doorstep through my partner, through my friends, through my students, through my own way of relating and feeling within when I held myself back.

It was a painful aspect to acknowledge and realize within myself how childhood pain and rejection had so deeply embedded this tendency within me.


I can see it in the other and yet it was too difficult and painful to acknowledge it within own self.


It takes courage to acknowledge our pain and it takes courage to take this deep descend into our shadows n dysfunctional subliminal tendencies in the journey of our ascension.


Getting triggered by the victimhood of students was an alarming sign which presented at my doorstep regarding my co dependant tendencies. Rushing to fix and make things easy for Paul was another alarm which kept me entangled in my co dependencies.


Wanting to be a clingy needy baby in any relationship where the pit of this hole of / lack of love never felt filled was an alarming sign of this co dependency.


Always fearing losing a relationship and over compensating with over providing / over being there for someone is a classic sign of this co dependant behavior.


Who am I without this? Who am I if I am not there for someone? Why does it make me feel so inadequate or restless or unsettled when I am not being there for someone?


The whole aspect of me being a teacher is engulfed in this pain.


Today, I am questioning every feeling which stirs within me – be it of motherhood, friendship, love, sharing, and being a teacher or whatsoever.


As I stand back and hold space in the truest sense of the word, it is still making me uncomfortable. It is making me restless and it is making me unsettled. How I wish I could reach out and touch their pain and soothe it for them and how I wish I could tell them they do not have to go through this pain the way I did and how I wish I could show them the way. How I wish I could be there for them in a way NO ONE has ever been there for me and how I wish I could offer a container as one has ever offered for me?


How I wish I am seen for my love and received the way I would like to and how I wish the stream within me flows and just flows and flows without questioning whether it is the flow of a gentle mother, a tough mother, a friend, a co dependant ally or my own desire to be held and loved – unconditionally.


How I wish I could lay on the lap of my mother and just be caressed on my cheeks and how I wish a father who could just hold my hand and help me cross the road.


How I wish I had a friend with whom I could just BE and how I wish I had a partner who was stronger than me .


How I wish I was a mother and how I wish I could offer and share my LOVE with my own little girl.


As I descend in to a different layer of this pain, I find courage to write about this and express this to myself and tell myself as no one has ever told me before in a way that I would like to hear.


I tell this to my little girl “Cry away little girl. Cry your heart out today. I am here. Holding you. And am here for you.”

Betrayal by primary care givers

by | Jan 3, 2021 | Soul Words

Every man who feels disrespect or anger towards or violated by a / any woman, has a responsibility to heal his own inner feminine emanating from his own wounded masculine.

Any woman who feels disrespect / angst/ frustration/ anger towards or violated by a / any man has a responsibility to heal her own wounded masculine emanating from her own wounded feminine.

It is not a dance of genders anymore. It is a dance of one’s own inner feminine and inner masculine.

Begin with the hurt you have felt as a child and as an adult through your mother for healing your inner wounded feminine and the hurt that you have felt through your father for your inner wounded masculine.

There are many layers to healing this aspect but unless we address these fundamental aspects, our relationship with the world and with our own self IS NOT going to improve.

What we disown, get rid of, finds its way through in some way or the other and hence no matter how painful this process may be, (and yes it is indeed a long one and not a one session or event thing), the sooner we acknowledge it and begin the process of peeling off, the sooner will be there birth.

It is ok to be angry with our pain (care) givers and it is ok to move away from them for the sanctity of our own being.

However, ultimately, it is crucial to GROW UP and face the hurts and pains they have caused us consciously and unconsciously and stop going back to them for validation and approval.

This is not an easy journey as a child who has felt unloved through her / his childhood needs a tone of acknowledgement and validation and who else can he / she look to except his own roots.

For, if it cannot be from our roots, then the whole foundation feels shaken and entire life feels fake.

This pain can numb us, freeze us, make us cold or indifferent to the suffering of others or make us violent and absent to the needs of others. Not to mention, a total disconnection from one’s own TRUE SELF.

This is a pain which is soooooooooo crucial and such an important aspect and crux of healing for the entire humanity and without addressing this, whatever esoteric heights we may conquer will be a sheer waste.

Wounded parents give birth to a child which then becomes a part of a wounded family who then grows up to be a wounded adult who then creates a wounded atmosphere for self and others.

And

Quite unknowingly so.

And that is just the sad part of it all. The wounds that we run away from, we unconsciously cause in others until the day we seek to deconstruct our own self totally and allow the painful death of the self.

A rebirth is possible only when we allow this death within and without.

A crossover awaits. Will we allow ??